If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
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Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
What is going on? 😅
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Finally!
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
wow
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand