I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
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Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
This makes total sense…
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
This is me
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah