[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
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“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.