And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
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Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes