i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
You Might Also Like
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
🤣dope
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.