#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
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Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
[the middle of showering] I need a break
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
is it earth
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.