some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
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One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Ugh but profoundly
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud