Ugh but profoundly
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friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.