Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
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If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
i meant to share this earlier
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players