I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
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why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Dance like you’re not the father
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Nice try Hitler
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ