Nice try Hitler
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You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Money is the root of all wealth
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Hamburger Hinderer.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Well well well…
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
This is sending me to another galaxy
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Succinctly put.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple