You Might Also Like
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
My daily affirmation
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
sir, my pâté if you please
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano