My daily affirmation
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Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.