MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
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[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Me when my alarm goes off
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.