Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
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Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.