Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
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Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Warm pools make me nervous.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf