media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
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Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist