@thoatley
@NYC_Blonde You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
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@NYC_Blonde 
@SteveDutzy Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
@TheTweetOfGod Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
@timdonakowski As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
@suzieQ0007 People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
@JulieSnark Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
@UncleDuke1969 Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
@carolynarnoldNI Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
@PeychoKanev The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
@bmarked21 It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.