It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
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[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
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Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?