fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
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Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Just a friendly reminder!
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
It was worth a shot 😂
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas