Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
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Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.