On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
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“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
I feel it
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Well, this explains it:
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself