the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
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*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-