Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
You Might Also Like
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
wish me luck lads
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?