saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
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My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.