Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
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Who.
Did.
This?
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
#polloftheday
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
rapatouille
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos