Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

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[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”


I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.


At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…


How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?


I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys


Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat


My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]


haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho


Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.