a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
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The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
50 shades of grey = my Liver
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz