I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
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My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Morning my dudes.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.