8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
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Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.