GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
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I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Who chose this font
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please