You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
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Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I would like even faster food.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.