How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
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“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.