“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
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If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
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Worlds greatest photobomb
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
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“He was putting on airs”.
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8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
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dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
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Get off my horse you stupid moon