There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
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It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off