*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
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A level of petty I can get with 🤣
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.