Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
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Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Go girl power!
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
a lot to unpack here
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.