don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
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Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
no!! no!!!!!!
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol