don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
![]()
You Might Also Like
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Facebook memories be like
![]()
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat