don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
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Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
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Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco