Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
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My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.