Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
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Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it