Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
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I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
How I like cutting carbs
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL