Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
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*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera