New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
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Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
If looks could kill
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.