Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
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Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.