Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
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Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
How I’d get arrested…
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
There’s no “us” in nachos.