@ThugRaccoons Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
@ThisOneSayz 8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
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@ThugRaccoons 
@LostFelicia Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
@david8hughes [soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
@aparnapkin Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
@Convokid22 Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
@TheWriteStuff2u You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
@icrushedmyhalo Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
@huntigula Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
@BlindChow dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
@Jarhead44 I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.