[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
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I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
“OMGJK” -atheists
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.