i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.