You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
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It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
a public service announcement
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
who will stop them
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
What a website
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into