You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
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the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so