I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
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I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs