Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
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[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
*pronounces surface like Versace*
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.