Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
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What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will