We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
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One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
What the hell is going on?
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Story of my life…..
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees