We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
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whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Oh. My. God.
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People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.